Settling down

I don't think I'm the settling down type; running is always going to tempt me. I like being lost to others, to myself. Someone will always find you if you have a permanent address. I don't need to find myself, or search my soul, but I am most content when others can't find me or reach me until I allow them to. Sitting on a boulder, at the base of mountains, watching people walk by as I drown them out with music is happiness to me...today.
I want to be able to leave everything, and everyone, sometimes. I want them to let me go, because sometimes it feels like they have their claws in me and will never release me. They want to hold me because of love, I'm certain of that. But I don't want to carry their love, their worries, their responsibilities and dreams and wishes for me. The weight of the expectations I feel when I'm around them almost crushed me once, and I don't want to go back to that.
I'm happy having lost their weight. I want to dance down mountains without having anyone slow me down. I want to lose myself in the background of the world, sink into nature, and just breathe. I forget to breathe when I'm around them...because they are my triggers.
I love them--that's why they are my triggers, because of love--but I can't live with them.

9.1.2011