These are random thoughts from a Jacob's Porch bible study I managed to attend during the minute and a half I was in Ohio between moving from Wyoming to Colorado.
Koinonia is an anglicized (meaning it's been English-fied) Greek word that basically boils down to community. We were specifically using the word in the study to talk about community between members within a church.
We ended up dialoguing about community with God vs community with each other. It seemed as though we were talking about having just one or the other, or that having community with one was better than having community with the other. Personally, I think that both are right. There is an innate, inescapable sacrifice of ourselves to be in community with God. We lose ourselves basically. Everyone loses self to be one with God. Every single person is one in God, so every single person is one with each other. This leads to community with each other. It's like a cycle of community, and losing of self to gain another self. But if both communities (community with God and community with each other) are not equal, one will overtake the other. And that's not healthy.
Koinonia is whole when it's broken. By this we meant to focus on vulnerability and the role it plays within community. A person is whole when they are broken, but only when they are broken with others. We cannot be broken alone--that will lead to death. As people, we are broken, but that is not the end of our story. We are not the end; church is not the goal of Jesus. We are not perfect; admitting our brokenness brings healing.
One of the topics I found really interesting during the study though, was the mentality people have in groups. When we are a part of a group, we stop being about our individual selves. We will protect the group from threats by individuals that are a part of the group. If an individual is threatening the welfare of the group, the group will protect its existence by getting rid of that individual.
For more information, please check out the following link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Koinonia
Community is there to be what you don't want to be that day. -Amber Loewen
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
If Only I Knew How
I promise you this,
I would take it all back if I could.
I would take back the eye contact,
the first smile
the quick glance down
and then back up to make sure you were still looking.
I'd take back the first words
the first texts
the first phone calls
that led to the first
second
fifth
twentieth
dates.
I would take back my love
I would take back my heart.
And try to put all the pieces back together.
Even though I wasn't the one who broke it
and the glue never seals the cracks up right.
I promise I would take it back.
I promise you this,
I would take back my bed.
I would take back my yes
out fairytale plans
that quickly added up
until we ran away.
Just us
a judge
and strangers as witnesses.
I would take back
every moment I spent in your arms.
I would take back my love
I would take back my heart
and try to put the pieces back together
even though I wasn't the one who broke it
and the glue never seals the cracks up right.
I promise I would take it back.
I promise you this
I would take it back if I could.
I would take back the phone call late that night
the 3AM knock on the door
the "I'm sorry for your loss"s
and "Is there anything we can do?"s
or "Is there someone you can calls?"s
I would take back
standing in a too bright green lawn,
neatly manicured to hide the skeletons in the closet.
I would take back staring at a granite stone
with dates the mean nothing
but broken promises of forever.
I would take back my love
I would take my heart
and try to put the pieces back together
even though I wasn't the one who broke it
and the glue never seals the cracks up right.
I promise I would take it back
every single moment
if only I knew how.
I would take it all back if I could.
I would take back the eye contact,
the first smile
the quick glance down
and then back up to make sure you were still looking.
I'd take back the first words
the first texts
the first phone calls
that led to the first
second
fifth
twentieth
dates.
I would take back my love
I would take back my heart.
And try to put all the pieces back together.
Even though I wasn't the one who broke it
and the glue never seals the cracks up right.
I promise I would take it back.
I promise you this,
I would take back my bed.
I would take back my yes
out fairytale plans
that quickly added up
until we ran away.
Just us
a judge
and strangers as witnesses.
I would take back
every moment I spent in your arms.
I would take back my love
I would take back my heart
and try to put the pieces back together
even though I wasn't the one who broke it
and the glue never seals the cracks up right.
I promise I would take it back.
I promise you this
I would take it back if I could.
I would take back the phone call late that night
the 3AM knock on the door
the "I'm sorry for your loss"s
and "Is there anything we can do?"s
or "Is there someone you can calls?"s
I would take back
standing in a too bright green lawn,
neatly manicured to hide the skeletons in the closet.
I would take back staring at a granite stone
with dates the mean nothing
but broken promises of forever.
I would take back my love
I would take my heart
and try to put the pieces back together
even though I wasn't the one who broke it
and the glue never seals the cracks up right.
I promise I would take it back
every single moment
if only I knew how.
I Promise
Uses music to drown out the world
and booze to drown herself
drink the poison
bite the apple
death means numbness
and numbness means peace
try harder, just a bit more
to get people to like you
sleep in one more bed
stare at one more ceiling
with fake stars glowing in the dark
but watch out for the paradox:
they. hate. you.
the more you try for love,
the easier it is to hate.
i hate you
and i hate him
but mostly because,
or only because
i first hated me.
i would burn it all to ashes if i could,
i promise.
9.13.2011and booze to drown herself
drink the poison
bite the apple
death means numbness
and numbness means peace
try harder, just a bit more
to get people to like you
sleep in one more bed
stare at one more ceiling
with fake stars glowing in the dark
but watch out for the paradox:
they. hate. you.
the more you try for love,
the easier it is to hate.
i hate you
and i hate him
but mostly because,
or only because
i first hated me.
i would burn it all to ashes if i could,
i promise.
Elements
philos-->air
storge-->earth
eros-->fire
agape-->water
My earth, my stability,
my rock and security.
You shoulders have lifted me
above the flood so many times
and given me a safe place to lie
when the world is imploding.
A familiar love,
the fondness due to the first faces ever seen
the affection that comes from finding each other together
by chance.
You're my earth love, my storge love.
My air, my breath,
my silence and my laugh.
Your arms have carried me from death to life
and given me solace from the darkness I seem so attracted to.
Sharing a common bond,
the companionship that exists just because you "get" me--
whatever that means--
being able to breathe when I'm around you.
You're my air love, my philia love.
My fire, my rush,
my destruction and my life giver.
The spark,
with the risk of building a new community
or completely annihilating everything that matters.
You maintain the balance between life and death,
a second away from either.
The spark and the blaze.
The roar and the crackle.
You're my fire love, my eros love.
My water, my core,
my sustaining life force.
My whole being and my entire world are filled with you,
consumed by you,
life given by you.
The all encompassing totality
completely inescapable
magnitude of your reach
astounds me.
You're my water love, my agape love.
9.1.2011storge-->earth
eros-->fire
agape-->water
My earth, my stability,
my rock and security.
You shoulders have lifted me
above the flood so many times
and given me a safe place to lie
when the world is imploding.
A familiar love,
the fondness due to the first faces ever seen
the affection that comes from finding each other together
by chance.
You're my earth love, my storge love.
My air, my breath,
my silence and my laugh.
Your arms have carried me from death to life
and given me solace from the darkness I seem so attracted to.
Sharing a common bond,
the companionship that exists just because you "get" me--
whatever that means--
being able to breathe when I'm around you.
You're my air love, my philia love.
My fire, my rush,
my destruction and my life giver.
The spark,
with the risk of building a new community
or completely annihilating everything that matters.
You maintain the balance between life and death,
a second away from either.
The spark and the blaze.
The roar and the crackle.
You're my fire love, my eros love.
My water, my core,
my sustaining life force.
My whole being and my entire world are filled with you,
consumed by you,
life given by you.
The all encompassing totality
completely inescapable
magnitude of your reach
astounds me.
You're my water love, my agape love.
Philos
I miss the hookah lounges
smoke curling across the ground
around our legs
like a fog machine in a haunted house.
I miss holding a cigarette in one hand
a cup of coffee in the other
walking back to your church-home
to talk about God or school
or whatever else came up.
I miss dancing,
closing my eyes and losing everything to the beat of remixed 80s music.
I miss the late night talks,
early morning walks;
eye contact and smiles.
The introduction to fedoras
and white guy rap music
and a love for poetry.
I miss my best friend.
But we grew up in a year--
I moved for a career
and you for school and marriage.
It was never a passionate love we shared--
it was something else,
something deeper.
The kind of love that looks beyond scars to the person underneath,
the kind of love that makes you siblings of choice.
smoke curling across the ground
around our legs
like a fog machine in a haunted house.
I miss holding a cigarette in one hand
a cup of coffee in the other
walking back to your church-home
to talk about God or school
or whatever else came up.
I miss dancing,
closing my eyes and losing everything to the beat of remixed 80s music.
I miss the late night talks,
early morning walks;
eye contact and smiles.
The introduction to fedoras
and white guy rap music
and a love for poetry.
I miss my best friend.
But we grew up in a year--
I moved for a career
and you for school and marriage.
It was never a passionate love we shared--
it was something else,
something deeper.
The kind of love that looks beyond scars to the person underneath,
the kind of love that makes you siblings of choice.
9.1.2011
Settling down
I don't think I'm the settling down type; running is always going to tempt me. I like being lost to others, to myself. Someone will always find you if you have a permanent address. I don't need to find myself, or search my soul, but I am most content when others can't find me or reach me until I allow them to. Sitting on a boulder, at the base of mountains, watching people walk by as I drown them out with music is happiness to me...today.
I want to be able to leave everything, and everyone, sometimes. I want them to let me go, because sometimes it feels like they have their claws in me and will never release me. They want to hold me because of love, I'm certain of that. But I don't want to carry their love, their worries, their responsibilities and dreams and wishes for me. The weight of the expectations I feel when I'm around them almost crushed me once, and I don't want to go back to that.
I'm happy having lost their weight. I want to dance down mountains without having anyone slow me down. I want to lose myself in the background of the world, sink into nature, and just breathe. I forget to breathe when I'm around them...because they are my triggers.
I love them--that's why they are my triggers, because of love--but I can't live with them.
9.1.2011I want to be able to leave everything, and everyone, sometimes. I want them to let me go, because sometimes it feels like they have their claws in me and will never release me. They want to hold me because of love, I'm certain of that. But I don't want to carry their love, their worries, their responsibilities and dreams and wishes for me. The weight of the expectations I feel when I'm around them almost crushed me once, and I don't want to go back to that.
I'm happy having lost their weight. I want to dance down mountains without having anyone slow me down. I want to lose myself in the background of the world, sink into nature, and just breathe. I forget to breathe when I'm around them...because they are my triggers.
I love them--that's why they are my triggers, because of love--but I can't live with them.
Escapism?
Maybe he is right, and I'm doing this escapism thing in my life right now. I've always been a runner; leave before you're left, because somebody always gets left.
But that makes me sound selfish and weak, and I don't believe my behavior is actually selfish or weak. I just don't want the life that's waiting for me there. I don't want to take care of them anymore: not my parents, not my sisters, not my church, not my adopted family. Is it so wrong to not want to hold everyone and everything together? They are adults...shouldn't they hold themselves together?
If I am running away, I'm running from the fights, the threats of divorce, the actual divorce that's looming, the babysitting, the lies and secrets and distrust, the immaturity--I'm running from the life that I've helped plan, that's caged me in.
I need them all to let me go. I am willing to admit that I'm selfishly guarding my freedom now. I will not go back--they can survive without me, and if they can't, they can come and visit me. I will always be a daughter and a sister to them, but I can't be their rock; I can't be the dependable one. Is it still love is it has to be love from afar?
I will not watch another divorce, and I won't stay where the threat of them exists. I won't live in Ohio again.
The fact that I haven't talked to him in so long puzzles me. This is the longest we've gone without a conversation since we became good friends. I'm more bothered by the fact that I'm not bothered by the silence, than I am about the actual silence. Am I not bothered because I expected the silence, I always expected him to slowly leave? Or, am I content to be me without him as my safety net? I would hope, and be pleasantly surprised, if it was the latter, rather than the former?
For better or worse, there is romance and beauty in self destruction. There is an innate, painful balance between apathy and love. An automatic notion in which apathy shows up like a stray animal whenever love gets too close. An ability to cut ties and leave the people I love most when staying becomes more painful than leaving. A cautious recklessness that shouldn't exist so comfortably in one person at one time. A belief that sex can mean nothing, and cheating doesn't have to be bad, as long as you're honest about it. An appreciation of the beauty of flowers and a desire to tear them from the ground, or throw a bouquet into a garbage disposal. Wonder at nature always alongside a desire to drop a lit match and watch it all burn to the ground. If it came down to a choice, would I save my own life, or just let the arms of death carry me away? I both love and hate, at the same time. How? I would leave everyone, only so that they could not leave me. Recognizing this does not change it. Odd, that...
Hell can be beautiful, too. Just because it looks like Paradise doesn't mean it won't turn on you. A place doesn't have to be ugly to be hellish.
But that makes me sound selfish and weak, and I don't believe my behavior is actually selfish or weak. I just don't want the life that's waiting for me there. I don't want to take care of them anymore: not my parents, not my sisters, not my church, not my adopted family. Is it so wrong to not want to hold everyone and everything together? They are adults...shouldn't they hold themselves together?
If I am running away, I'm running from the fights, the threats of divorce, the actual divorce that's looming, the babysitting, the lies and secrets and distrust, the immaturity--I'm running from the life that I've helped plan, that's caged me in.
I need them all to let me go. I am willing to admit that I'm selfishly guarding my freedom now. I will not go back--they can survive without me, and if they can't, they can come and visit me. I will always be a daughter and a sister to them, but I can't be their rock; I can't be the dependable one. Is it still love is it has to be love from afar?
I will not watch another divorce, and I won't stay where the threat of them exists. I won't live in Ohio again.
The fact that I haven't talked to him in so long puzzles me. This is the longest we've gone without a conversation since we became good friends. I'm more bothered by the fact that I'm not bothered by the silence, than I am about the actual silence. Am I not bothered because I expected the silence, I always expected him to slowly leave? Or, am I content to be me without him as my safety net? I would hope, and be pleasantly surprised, if it was the latter, rather than the former?
For better or worse, there is romance and beauty in self destruction. There is an innate, painful balance between apathy and love. An automatic notion in which apathy shows up like a stray animal whenever love gets too close. An ability to cut ties and leave the people I love most when staying becomes more painful than leaving. A cautious recklessness that shouldn't exist so comfortably in one person at one time. A belief that sex can mean nothing, and cheating doesn't have to be bad, as long as you're honest about it. An appreciation of the beauty of flowers and a desire to tear them from the ground, or throw a bouquet into a garbage disposal. Wonder at nature always alongside a desire to drop a lit match and watch it all burn to the ground. If it came down to a choice, would I save my own life, or just let the arms of death carry me away? I both love and hate, at the same time. How? I would leave everyone, only so that they could not leave me. Recognizing this does not change it. Odd, that...
Hell can be beautiful, too. Just because it looks like Paradise doesn't mean it won't turn on you. A place doesn't have to be ugly to be hellish.
8.9.2011
Can people be good without God?
I think we can be. People can be great without God; we can be compassionate, nice, beautiful without God. I don't think the point of God is to make us better. I believe He does make us better, but that's not His point. I don't have a point or motive to existence--I just am. So, if I don't have a point, why would a higher, better, more being have to have a point in existing? God just is. If His point in living was to make us better, that would mean His existence would rest with us; the creator would exist because of the creation. That doesn't make sense. It would be like an architect existing solely to make a building; the architect doesn't exist to make the building, the building is a side effect of the architect existing. The creation exists because the creator made it; the creator exists outside of the creation. His point isn't to make us better, just like my point in living isn't anything. A side effect of knowing Him can make one better, but it doesn't have to make one better, and you can be good without knowing you know Him. If God is love and God is good, then whenever love or goodness are present or known, God is present and known.
7.9.2011
Freedom
tree branches tangle
holdings hands cautiously
just brushing the fingertips
like teenage lovers
above the fairytale path leading to grandmother's house
or to the witch's castle.
a path diligently followed because
whatever the ending
the journey was a story of magic.
summer heat and winter snow
mix in a time paused land.
real.
but not a reality recognized
by the human inhabitants.
nature loves here
unassisted by man,
trapped in a reality with no escape
from the zoo of offices
and the circus of education
and the rodeos of commitments.
is that why we insist on chaining and caging?
because we chained and caged ourselves
without realizing the consequences
neglecting the freedom of nature.
we built fences to keep the outside out
and ended up fencing our souls in.
what is freedom
but another fence
to keep one thing away
from another?
holdings hands cautiously
just brushing the fingertips
like teenage lovers
above the fairytale path leading to grandmother's house
or to the witch's castle.
a path diligently followed because
whatever the ending
the journey was a story of magic.
summer heat and winter snow
mix in a time paused land.
real.
but not a reality recognized
by the human inhabitants.
nature loves here
unassisted by man,
trapped in a reality with no escape
from the zoo of offices
and the circus of education
and the rodeos of commitments.
is that why we insist on chaining and caging?
because we chained and caged ourselves
without realizing the consequences
neglecting the freedom of nature.
we built fences to keep the outside out
and ended up fencing our souls in.
what is freedom
but another fence
to keep one thing away
from another?
6.10.2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
The point I'm trying to make still eludes me
Sometimes (and more frequently than not, lately), I've been thinking that being a Christian is overrated. And I wish that I could believe in Jesus without having to believe in Christians. I've been told this summer that I'm spiritual, not religious. I think I with that...if the spectrum is religious versus spiritual, then I'm definitely more spiritual. Religion, to me implies rules and structure and an "us versus them" mentality. But spirituality just implies God to me; it means wonder and listening and communion. I'm the kind of girl who can lie on a rock and almost believe if I wait long enough, I can feel the rock breathe. And I think everyone, and everything, has a soul. I don't think trees and rocks have minds, but I believe they have souls as much as humans and animals have souls. My beliefs don't really fit into modern, American Christianity. But I also don't believe modern American Christians have any clue what God is. How does one fathom an abstract Being? If God is Love, if God is I Am, what does that even mean? What is Love? Because no one has the same definition of Love--it's an abstract concept. So can it even be possible that we can imagine one same God? And if it's not possible to imagine one same God, what are we worshipping? What are we doing? What's the point, if we're just stumbling around in the dark, killing each other over minor disagreements about something we know nothing about?
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