I imagine my story is similar to a lot of other stories. There is nothing truly remarkable about my life; many people have faced more difficult lives, and many people have faced easier lives. I think my life, and my relationship with Jesus, is typical. We–Jesus and I–have our ups and downs (mostly because I chose to make our relationship have ups and downs), but all good relationships have ups and downs. Without the darkness, how can we appreciate light? Without light, how do we understand darkness? Maybe the downs in our relationship don’t necessarily have to be looked at in a negative light…I mean, of course the up moments are great and I am certainly happier in those times, because those times are easier. But real relationships, I mean relationships with real people, the relationships we have with friends and family, all have down moments as well as up moments. So maybe my down moments with Jesus–those times when I want to give up, or break it off, or say goodbye–are there to show me that my relationship with Jesus is real. It’s genuine. I’m not always going to be happy with him, or with me, but how many of us are always happy with our friends and our families? No one. Anyone who claims to be is in serious denial, or else they are not close enough with their families to feel comfortable enough to fight with them and still know they will be accepted.

I went through a time of not talking to God. It wasn’t that I didn’t like him or turned my back on him; it’s not like I stopped loving him. I actually don’t know how to explain it. I still loved him–our separation (that’s what I call that two year period in my head)–was never about love for me. I just stopped praying. I stopped going to church, and then I stopped going to bible study, and then I stopped going to all clubs and activities associated with God. All lot of that separation had to do with the religious organizations I was involved with. I had several dealings and run ins with staff members that really turned me off of Jesus and those associated with him. There was the time one of my roommates was not allowed in the bible study I was attending because she didn’t meet the criteria the other girls met. There was the constant pressure to go on mission trips during the summer. One soon to be staff member was over heard talking to a younger girl, and when the younger girl explained she didn’t think she could go on a mission trip that summer because her mom wasn’t sure about it, the soon to be staff member replied, “Did your mother ever die on a cross for you?” Several incidences like these over several years drained me; I no longer wanted to be associated with people who preached these things. I couldn’t do it anymore.

Still, I can’t blame my relationship with God wholly on others. Those people were not God, and I know this. Man’s interpretation of God is never going to be perfect or one hundred percent accurate (and if anyone claims they understand God, you should be wary). Many of the problems I had (have) with God stem from the issues I have with trust. I have serious commitment issues. Not even just commitment with love; I’m talking about all relationships in general: I have serious commitment problems. And it stems from my problems with trust.